Box-O-Hormones

My injectable hormones arrived today! Justin waited patiently for Fed-Ex to arrive anywhere between 8 & 3 today. They arrived at 3:15. :-)

It is getting real

My cycle started today! I've never been so excited to get my period!!! I talked to the nurse and scheduled my baseline ultrasound for 1/9 @ 8am (this is where they check my ovaries to make sure I'm ready to start the hormones) and the next ultrasound for 1/18 @ 8am (this is where they check my ovaries to make sure I've produced some good-looking eggs that are almost ready to get extracted). I just got off the phone with the pharmacy and all of my hormone shots will arrive on Friday. God is so good that I got all of my medication for $60! Yep- sixty bucks. Thank you Daddy Biogen!

Stop being so secretive!

Ok. So I started this blog as invite-only for our family and close friends to read. Throughout all of this baby-drama I've been so selective about what I share and who I share it with. I've attributed my need for privacy to me not wanting to have to tell the story a million times and to the fact that my business is my business. In reality, I've really been so private because of the feelings of shame that plague many infertile women. This can be embarrassing! And it can challenge even the most self-assured's feelings of worth. These are feelings that I have been battling prior to learning the official news. I knew in my heart that there was a problem long before any doctor told me. Every time I think I've overcome those negative thoughts, the Enemy has been lurking in the shadows waiting for another weak moment. I'm not listening to the lies anymore! I know that my infertility does not define me or say anything about the caliber of parent I one day will be. So I've decided not to hide this blog anymore. If by sharing my story with 100% honesty helps just one other person on this planet, it's worth it to me to be exposed. I have nothing to be ashamed of. It's just a chapter in our family's life and the way we handle these circumstances will say much more about our character than the fact we are in these circumstances at all. I guess I've been concerned about receiving judgement from people who may not understand or agree with our choices. My very wise husband reminded me today that if someone is reading this and judging us then they have their own problems. I love how he simplifies all that I over-complicate in my head. One reason I am bringing this up is because I am currently tapering off my anti-anxiety medication in order to prepare for pregnancy. So, as if this process isn't emotional enough, I'm currently PMSing and stopping my "crazy-pills" (as I so affectionately call them) at the same time. Needless to say, I'm experiencing some psychological & emotional setbacks but the Bible tells me: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6, 7 NIV)
So instead of relying on medication, I'm relying on the LORD to help me to address my emotions and work through all of my worries. It's a vulnerable and oddly comforting place to be.

prayer request time

Ok loved ones... I've spent the last couple of hours googling the same questions that we've already had answered by our doctors over and over again in the past 6 months. Of course the internet does not play nice and I am inadvertently freaking myself out! Please pray that I continue to learn how to give this 100% to God and find peace, not fear. There certainly are some strange commentaries and youtube videos out there, but I did find one gem that might be helpful to those of you that have been wondering how this really works.

first steps

Just had to share another picture from our big day on Monday. After our IVF class, Justin and I both had to have (tons) of blood drawn for a load of tests they have to run before we get this party started. Afterwards we went to a movie at Raleighwood then to the Melting Pot for my birthday dessert. (Yum!) I realized we still had our bandages on and thought a picture would be nice for documentation purposes. I was a bit hesitant to ask the waitress to take a picture of this since it was quite a strange request - "umm excuse me ma'am, would you mind to take a picture of our bandages?" - but Justin suggested that we just tell her we were celebrating our last heroin shot together. Where does he come up with this stuff!?!! I ended up telling her the truth and letting her in on the joke. She was surprisingly excited for us -I wish I could have taken a picture of her reaction!

A new adventure

2011 has been a busy year for our family. Justin and I have been pursuing career and education goals, taking care of our nutty dogs, trying to keep up with our very busy families, playing on rec league sports teams, attending Bible studies, subbing Sunday School, fixing this old house, and trying to grow our family. I know - yes, we have 3 dogs and we still want kids. :)

The purpose of this blog is for us to be able to document our pursuit of children for our own sake as well as to share our story with our many loving family members and friends that we are so grateful for. This first post is going to be a long one, so bear with me. Over the past few months I have found it exhausting to tell various medical stories over and over again, especially if the story is not a happy one. We wanted to find a way to give out the information so that we can celebrate the good times and get support for the tough times. God has taught us so many lessons in 2011, but one thing that stands out to me right now is His never-ending faithfulness. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I learned earlier this year that I am infertile. I cannot begin to describe the pain that engulfed me with this news, so I won't even try. I believed God though. I knew that He had a plan for me and that it was a good plan, but it just took a long time for my emotions to catch up with my brain. At times I picture myself as a child having a temper tantrum. I knew I had to do whatever God was telling me to do because He knows best but I just didn't want to sometimes. There have been at least two times in the past months where God has revealed His perfect timing to me. Each time I catch a glimpse of what He's trying to show me, it's as if He's saying "Don't you see? I know what I'm doing." Anyway, I digress. I just can't help but share all that I am learning about my God, how much he loves me and how much I can trust Him to see us through all of this. There are days where I have not felt this way, but I always know it and if I can just get through the dark days, the good days always come back.

Through prayer, Biblical counsel, studying the Word, research research and more research, we have finally come to the decision that WE ARE PURSUING IN VITRO FERTILIZATION!!!!! I will be posting all the details as we move along this course of action. Full disclaimer, some things may be a bit TMI but we are also using this as our journal so we want to make sure to capture it all -the good the bad and the ugly!

On 12/12/11, I had a mock transfer and a saline ultrasound in the morning and then we had our IVF class in the afternoon. Holly, my wonderful sister-in-law took me to my morning appointment since Justin was taking a test at ECU. The mock transfer is where the doctor basically does a pretend transfer of the embryo into my uterus. The saline ultrasound was to take a look at my uterine wall to ensure it was smooth and a good place for a baby to live. Both of these things went well. In the afternoon was our class with the nurse which Justin was able to make. Good thing since she had to teach us about these millions of hormones that he will have to inject me with - I don't know if I could stick a needle in my stomach on my own. Justin seemed way too excited to learn about jabbing me with a needle. He made the nurse crack up laughing because he asked, "so do you want me to tell you when I am about to give you the shot, or just surprise you?" Really? Really, Justin? Only my husband. The nurse said she had never heard that question before. Jeepers.

Even though he is getting too much pleasure out of the thought of jabbing a needle into me, Justin totally rocks. Best.Husband.Ever. I am in awe of the marriage that God has given me. All of these appointments happened on my birthday, and before we left for the IVF class, he gave me this card with this note:

He's a keeper.

So our next steps are to wait for my cycle to start (any day now), then start taking birth control pills to suppress my ovaries. They also drew blood for a series of routine lab tests for both of us and those need to come back before we move on past this point. Once my ovaries are doing whatever it is that the doctor wants them to do (be 'quiet' as the nurse said), we will being the hormone treatments. That will go on for about 2 and a half weeks, then they will extract my eggs, mix them with Justin's sperm and grow the babies in a petri dish. 3 to 5 days after that, I will go back to have up to 2 embryos inserted. My doctor says he will not exceed that number, so we have decided that we will freeze any embryos leftover and carry them to term at a later date.

Sorry for such a long post. The next ones should not be so time consuming! Thank you for reading, praying and supporting us. We understand that IVF does not result in a live birth 100% of the time, but we also know that God's will is 100% correct all the time. As I told my parents, we know God is not going to harm us. He's either trying to give us a baby(ies) or teach us something. Either way, we will get something out of this experience.